Asking for help in motherhood - the why and the how

An excerpt from The Mother-Loving Guide

In hindsight, I wish we’d moved closer to my in-laws. We did what so many people do

and moved house while I was pregnant with our first.

We could have moved anywhere, but decided against moving too near my husband’s

folks for whatever reason at the time and I often wish now that they were half an hour

down the road!

Because sometimes clichés are true – we really weren’t meant to do this alone. The

saying is ‘it takes a village to raise a child’ for a very good reason, because that’s exactly

what used to happen. Extended family and neighbours held the baby while the mum

slept, showered, ate, chatted to other grown-ups without interruptions... the list goes on.

Instead, these days, we’re being told through all available channels that we can, and

possibly should, do it all. On our own. While we smile and look pretty. And when we can’t

(because we’re not robots and actual life doesn’t come with a filter), we feel like we’ve

failed. <Steps off soap box to calm down.>

If you’re lucky enough to have family close by who you get on with and who you actually

want around to help you, I’ll talk you through how to get them on board and organised

for lending a hand. And, of course, all is not lost if you don’t have relatives around to help.

It’s possible to widen your support network, or create a new one from scratch, to get the

help you need. I’ll walk you through that, too.

Before we move on to practicalities, let’s nip this old chestnut in the bud: Asking for

help is a sign of weakness. We’ve already established that bringing up kids is really

not meant to happen in isolation. You’re not weak for not wanting to/not being able to

soldier through sleep deprivation and postnatal healing. Asking for support is going to

enable you to enjoy motherhood and maybe even some slices of your ‘old life’ here and

there. You’re setting yourself up for long-term success and well-being by asking

for, and accepting, help. So let’s get to it!

HOW TO ASK FOR HELP

First of all, people love to help. It feels good to help others, right? Who are you to deny

people feeling good about themselves? I joke, but it’s also true. We think we’re wildly

inconveniencing people when we reach out, but it might just put a spring in their step.

Anyone who’s already had kids will be falling over themselves to help you, because

they’ve been there. Let them. They’re keen and they know what they’re doing. One of my

neighbours had slightly older kids and she volunteered to push my baby round the park

for her nap so I could rest. My neighbour loved it because she missed having a tiny baby,

I loved it because I got some space and time to myself, and baby loved it because she got

to have a nap in the fresh air (and on the move – her favourite!). As a result, I was a more

patient and fun mum on her return, so everyone had a better day for accepting the help.

BE SPECIFIC

Just declaring you need something won’t do. It won’t magically happen. Spell it out, make

it as specific as you can and repeat it until it happens.

I used to say to my husband, ‘I really need a bath this weekend, I’m so achey.’ But it never

happened. Not because my husband’s a horrible man who denies me a soothing bath,

but because he found it impossible to work out when in the day might have worked best

(and if he suggested a time I *may* have barked at him on more than one occasion that

he clearly wasn’t across the baby’s nap and food schedules... we’ll touch on postnatal

anger a little later!).

I think we all fantasise about someone simply guessing what we need and then just

making it happen, but that’s not very realistic. Or at least not all the time. Once I started

saying, ‘Can you feed the baby dinner tonight so I can have a bath in peace?’, it started

happening. Makes sense, right? It can be so very hard to get over ourselves to ask for what

we need, when we need it, but it gets easier with practice and it’s one of motherhood’s

great necessities.

Maybe you’d love to catch up on some sleep every now and again. How about asking to

take it in turns to get up with baby at the weekends? (Or for you to go back to bed once

you’ve breastfed.) Maybe you miss spending time with your friends. Could your partner

push the pram round the park for an hour while you grab a coffee? Or if a friend also

has a baby, the other halves could bond while they push the prams and you get to chat

in peace.

It’s also really helpful to add why you’re asking for something: ‘I haven’t felt like myself

lately and would love to restart an old hobby. I’ve found a choir that practices on Friday

nights. Could you make sure you finish work on time to take the bath and bedtime shift

so I can go please?’ I mean, how could anyone say no? My personal challenge with this

is not to let it get to a point where I’m so desperate that my plea for help becomes an

overly emotional blame fest (‘I never have any time for myself to do the things I like doing

because you come home so late and I’m at the end of my tether’), so it pays to ask well

before you hit that totally exhausted, angry zone.

WIDEN YOUR SUPPORT NETWORK

Not having family nearby to call on for help can really suck, especially when your friends

start having evenings out or even weekends away with their partners. (Sleep? Peace and

quiet? The audacity!) I’ve been there and felt green with envy. But you can absolutely

widen your existing network to include more helpers who are not related to you.

Who in your life is close enough, location-wise as well as emotionally, to lend a hand? To

come into your home to pick up the slack (and the dirty laundry off the floor)? To make

a cup of tea and have a chat? Who knows your kitchen well enough to do the washing

up and put it away? Could it be a neighbour, a work colleague, a friend?

I bet you anything that if you were to send out an email to colleagues, neighbours and

friends who’ve had kids already and/or you feel close enough to, to ask for help in the

postnatal period, you’d get many enthusiastic offers back. Don’t be afraid to reach out.

Don’t let it get to the point where you’re desperate for help because most likely you

won’t be able to think straight by that point. Pull people into your network early on

and I promise, once you’ve taken that first step to ask for help, the sense of relief will be

immense and the next time you reach out it will be much easier. It’s so, so worth it because

you really don’t have to carry the weight of it all yourself.

UTILISE YOUR NEW BABY NETWORK

If you have done/are doing any kind of antenatal class, keep those folks close. They’ll

be going through everything you are at the same time, and it’s invaluable. Even if you

wouldn’t normally have anything in common or hang out together, for the next year or

so, these are your people.

They also become people you can walk with while your babies nap in the pram, people

you can eat cake and cry with and who you can explore the world of baby groups with.

They are the people who never tire of baby talk (unlike most child-free friends). They

are the people who just ‘get’ it.

If you’re not taking antenatal classes, I thoroughly recommend stalking groups of mums

who seem nice and infiltrating their existing group. I successfully did this at a mum and

baby exercise class after having baby number two and 100 per cent would do it again.

I’ve also hit on mums in the playground who seem nice. Honestly, it’s never been easier

to start a conversation. Simply say, ‘How did yours sleep last night?’ and you’re off.

I get that this seems like a very daunting prospect. Personally, I’ve struggled making

friends my whole adult life, but the babies make it so much easier – there is so much

common ground to chat about, so much sleep deprivation and freezing feet in the

playground to bond over. And you don’t have to make everyone your best friend. It’s so

helpful just to get to know a few people well enough to nod to from a distance or exchange

a few words with at the baby swings. It’s these little interactions that really carry you

through it all. And if you strike gold and find a BFF, then that’s an added bonus.

My most random act of ‘network widening’ was with a lady at the checkout in Boots

who offered to babysit for me (I was always in there buying something baby-related and

forever went on about how tired I was...). And I very nearly took her up on it. Help really

might come from the most unlikely of places!

Once you’re in the swing of motherhood a little more, you might even look at taking turns

babysitting with other mums so you get a few hours or an evening free. To be honest,

I was never brave enough to look after anyone else’s babies (I was terrified enough of

my own!), but this worked really well for friends of mine so I’m throwing it out there as

an option.

IF YOU CAN STRETCH TO PAID HELP, DO IT

If you’re able to, there’s always the option of paying for help. Our wonderful cleaner saved

my sanity when baby number two was born. She’d take my eldest around the house with

her to ‘help’, so that I could just concentrate on baby.

A postnatal doula is also a wonderful thing – an extra pair of hands to show you the ropes,

a shoulder to cry on, an ear to vent to, arms to hug you and simply another grown-up at

home with you so you don’t feel so isolated and overwhelmed. In hindsight, that’s exactly

what I needed in those early days and to this day I’m not sure why I didn’t get one. I was

possibly so consumed by the misconception that I could and should do it all myself, which

is nonsense. Don’t be like me! Since this is expert help, it does come with a price tag that

won’t be accessible for everyone, but it’s still worth knowing that this service exists and

maybe it can be recreated by some friends or family dropping in at regular intervals

just to keep you company. They could create their own rota and everything – I sense a

spreadsheet coming on!

Getting someone to do your cleaning, ironing or dog-walking for a while can free up

some headspace. Meal delivery boxes and online supermarket orders might mean you

can actually feed yourself well, while batch cooking things to pop in the freezer for a

later date can be a lifesaver – even more so if you get friends to do it for you.

It’s always worth keeping in mind that none of this needs to be forever, but it’ll make life

easier in the short term and that’s what we’re looking for.

CHEERLEADERS ARE HELPERS TOO

You might have people in your network of friends and family who can’t physically help,

but who could still support you by cheering you on and simply being there for you.

Don’t ever underestimate a phone call (or video call – one positive outcome from the

coronavirus pandemic is that we’re now all so used to these!) where you can vent and cry

and laugh and be told that you are in fact doing an amazing job. Make sure to add plenty

of cheerleaders to your list of people who you can lean on in the postpartum period.

TAKE THE PRESSURE OFF

Even if you’re not getting actual hands-on help with the baby, simply taking the pressure

off day-to-day tasks and chores can be a relief. Does it really matter that the house is

dustier than it used to be? Or that the dishes don’t get done? That you find clothes to wear

from a heap of clean laundry, rather than out of a drawer? The expectations we have of

ourselves in motherhood, be they self-imposed or spurred on by their portrayal in the

media (socials as well as film, TV, magazines and books), are immense and unnecessary.

**This is an excerpt taken from Silke's book The Mother-Loving Guide, available to buy via Amazon and this website right here**